What a difference a year makes
From burnout to boundaries - how somatic healing helped me reclaim myself
Last year, around this time, while casually scrolling through Facebook, I found something that would change my life.
It truly happens when you least expect it, although I could also say that I might have subconsciously been looking for it — or at least opened myself to the possibility.
After all, I found it, or it found me, just as I began to feel suspiciously tired and unwell. Many months later, and many doctor’s appointments later, I found out that it was not physical, but rather a mental burnout that had been lingering and was ultimately triggered by one major event.
Somatic First Aid for Everyday Relationships, it read. An online or in-person 6-week training.
At the time, despite living in a community with a notably strong holistic and spiritual community, I did not know what somatic meant. Nevertheless, it spoke to me, it called my name.
I am someone who will always be drawn to learning new things. Even now, at 45, I constantly consider enrolling in new learning adventures. The reason why I haven't committed to one at the moment is the immensity of areas that interest me - and I am also very respectful of my time and availability. But I will someday, again, because I truly miss it, and even if it's years from now, I'm already excited just thinking about it.
So, there I was, scrolling and reading the whispering words. I clicked the link and saw that the offered times fit my schedule perfectly. Without hesitation, I applied for the in-person course.
Just a few days later, I received a confirmation, and that is how I started something that, for lack of better words, was exactly what I needed.
The training is part of Claiming Each Other (CEO), a model developed by Lorie Solis, and described on the website as a “Somatic First-Response Training for our everyday relationships. It is for anyone who feels called to be a more healing presence by offering more skillful responsibility when confronted with intensity, crisis, complexity and trauma. Claiming Each Other's somatic first-aid model builds on established models of Psychological First Aid (PFA) by integrating somatic trauma healing, indigenous wisdom and embodied practice.”
Yes.
And wow.
I entered this experience with no expectations or prior knowledge. With each session, I devoted myself more and more to embodying the teachings, words, and connections. It was an intense and intimate experience that still resonates deeply within me, though I cannot fully express it in words. And although Lorie’s respectful guidance, calm presence and empathic, honest and beautifully vulnerable way of expressing herself and her thoughts were definitely the core of what made me trust CEO more and more; it was also the group dynamic, the moments we shared, and the willingness we all brought to the sessions.
CEO became intrinsic to my self-care and care for others.
This definitely does not mean that I have every relationship challenge under control now, or that I (this even feels strange to say) am a better person. It's nothing like that. I do not strive to be perfect, but I do want to learn more about who I want to become and how I could be that person. I believe I was/am the best version of myself in all my phases. Or, perhaps, the version that I needed in every step of the way.
But yes, I do feel changes.
I feel a palpable change in my level of self-awareness, especially regarding my behaviors and circumstances, and how they are connected to my nervous system. Noticing the push and pull triggers of my reactions and seeing patterns in feelings that weighed on me made everything a bit clearer. It helps me. I learned to recognize a few patterns and how to look at them from another perspective. I do this now with more care and love instead of a raw, impulsive need to restrict or contain whatever is too much.
I began accepting the stages and phases, talking to that part of myself, and learning how to soothe internally. I began letting go of certain behaviors and habits that made me spiral or react, or even awoke the need for quick dopamine rewards, which led to even more spiraling.
Those six weeks seeped into my soul. They integrated respectfully. To me, having this new understanding is like having a lighthouse in the darkness, a comforting guiding star, a place I can always return to for a deeper understanding.
It's a pause, a deep breath.
Anyway, the reason why I am telling this is mainly because of one particular moment during the training. One that triggered me more than others, I guess. One that scratched something in me. It rang my alarm bells, silently but violently, confirming that there is something specific I need and truly want to work on.
In that session, we talked about Boundaries.
Ugh.
Uff.
The interesting thing - and this is what made all the difference for me - was that I felt some sort of dissonance between what was being said and how I actually perceived it.
When thinking back on this feeling, without wanting to say that what the majority thinks, feels or says is the right thing and that if you feel out of tune with what is said you are wrong, it is not as simple as that, but in this case it was as if something that had always felt right and natural to me was finally dismantled and striped naked, and I could see the twistedness in what I felt was normal, and that had to an extent been the reason for many questionable decisions and actions that probably did not bring me good in the long run, or were not even aligned with what I really wanted or believed in.
Small excurs: how does one even know what we want or need?
(How do we know what is right?)
Such a powerful question.
While we were sitting together, in circle, and Lorie began talking about boundaries, the idea was that it is not always easy to live with others and to tolerate others and accept others.
Hmm. I felt something and asked if I could speak. Lorie looked at me, nodding calmly, while I was still trying to find the right words to express what this made me feel.
You see, for me it has throughout my life been the exact opposite feeling. How do I learn not to tolerate so much? How do I even know where my boundaries are?
I grew up in a loving house, but with somewhat chaotic circumstances. Lots of love mixed with fear and anxiety and mixed emotions that were not age-appropriate for a child to carry. But I was happy. I didn’t go through major trauma. So I couldn’t see or know what was right for me at the time. I did not know it factually until I became a mother myself, and I did not realize the extent of the impact of my upbringing until very, very recently.
So, coming back to the big shift:
How do I learn not to tolerate things, and how do I know where my boundaries are?
As a first step, I made one major decision last year: I do not want to tolerate anything that goes against my values, my integrity, and I will do my best (within my capacity, respecting my energy and nervous system) to live in a way that respects this.
I want to listen more to my core. To my intuition. Not the impulsive one. The deeper one. The one that cries out when it does not feel right.
It’s not easy for me.
I am rethinking relationships and directions, and being more aware of the energy I give and what energy I let in. Respecting myself and the people I love deeply, keeping people and habits and patterns away that harm my nervous system and stretch my boundaries.
I say all of this without judgment.
We are all on a journey and doing what we think is right. None of this is against anyone, I just really need to find my way, my peace, and I want to focus my energy and love on people, plans and things that are aligned with me.
The interesting thing in my case, I think, is that I generally have no difficulties with boundaries in the outside world. To me, it gets blurry with my closer relationships. It seems like emotional attachment makes me overlook my own boundaries somehow. While with strangers or on a professional level I can see clearly and have no problem saying No or defining clear lines, in a romantic relationship or even with friends I tend to be much more malleable and influenceable.
Now, almost one year later, and also after starting therapy with Lorie in January, I can say:
Wow.
What a difference a year makes.
What a difference the openness to teaching makes.
What a difference a decision makes.
I never want to stop learning and working on myself.
Never.
With love,
Kia
❤️